Jokes

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jamaica, to be a judge at a Jerk Chicken cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Jamaicans) that the Jerk Chicken wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Plate # 1: "Mosiah's Hell Raiser Jerk Chicken"
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on pimento. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Plate # 2: "Shatta's Mo Fyah Jerk Chicken"
JUDGE ONE: Smoky flavor. Slight Scotch Bonnet tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this @#$%& out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Plate # 3: "Willie's Backstrech Burn Jerk Chicken"
JUDGE ONE: Great kick. Needs more spices.
JUDGE TWO: A bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a &%$#@ joke. Call the @#$%& EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got the &$@%# out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Plate # 4: "Wasp's Black Magic"
JUDGE ONE: Almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Good side dish for other mild foods.
FRANK: &%$#@!!! I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Miss Icey, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Plate # 5: "My Yout's Legal Lip Remover"
JUDGE ONE: Scotch Bonnet peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Must admit the Scotch Bonnet peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the &%$#@ paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her Jerk Chicken had given me brain damage. Miss Icey saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Plate # 6: "Shelly T's Very Spicy Variety"
JUDGE ONE: Good balance of spices and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and spices. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Plate # 7: "Wally's Screaming Sensation Jerk Chicken"
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Jerk Chicken with too much reliance on bottled seasoning.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw on bottled seasoning at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: I think these @$%& people are trying to kill me!!! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with Jerk, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what the &$#@ killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Plate # 8: "Portia's Delight"
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend Jerk Chicken, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced Jerk Chicken, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the Jerk Chicken platter on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

DIARY OF A JAMAICAN WHO JUST MOVED TO SOUTH DAKOTA, USA

October 8th

We have arrived in America!!! Finally!!! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect, not too hot, not too cold.

October 15th

It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving America!!! This is what life's about.

October 30th

The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in... Outside may be cold, but it feels like Jamaica in this house.

November 11th

The news reports say snow is on the way... we cannot wait!!! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.

November 14th

Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife cooked buttered buns and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!

November 15th

We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snow plow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again. Americans are so friendly!

November 18th

It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad... we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

November 19th

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. slipped and fell on my "batty" in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected

November 20th

Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work.

November 21st

On my way to work, the 4x4 skidded into the guardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white s@!! last night. The vehicle is covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. Di damn snowplow man do him job again. Watch me an'him!

November 22nd

Blouse and skirt... the first heating bill just come! A how the hellit come to so much???

November 30th

A two frigging degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow de pon de way. Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage. De power off most of the night. Wi try to keep from freezing to death wid candles and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an' nearly bun dung the r@!%% house. Mi manage to put out the flames, but end up wid second degree burns pan mi hands, bun off mi yeyebrow and yeyelash dem. Den de car slide on the white s@!%% (again!) on the way to the hospital and wi haffi write it off.

December 5th

Rahtid... dis snow yah nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keeps coming down! Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out to di damn mailbox. If I ever catch the bitch wey drive di rahtid snow-plow yuh see, I gwine mek him mumma feel it. Me really think sey 'im hide round di corner and wait 'til me finish shovel, den come down the street fast fast and cover up wi driveway again. Wicked nuh blow wow!!!

December 10th

The power still off. The toilette freeze up!, and some part a di roof look like it out fi cave in.

December 15th

Eleven more b@!%% inches a snow an'ice!!!!!!!!!! Jah know...dis no right. I wounded the snowplow wid di pick ax,but the driva get weh.

December 16th

The wife took off and left me.

December 18th

The r@!%% car won't start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi caan feel mi toe dem and mi nuh see the blood@!%% sun fi weeks!!!! An' guess wha? The weatherman ah predict more snow!!!! Good fi r@!%% him. The wind chill is 30 pussy@!%% degrees below zero!!

December 22nd

Me a move back to Jamaica teday 'cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!!!If me can ketch a flight, at least mi will reach just in time fi Christmas dung a yard.

'Merica a nuh fi everybody!!!!

Source: Unknown. Forwarded to me by a friend.

Jamaican Father

A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi
wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!"
The doctor came over and told the father "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!"
The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard.
The father cried out: "Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!"
The doctor again told the father, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!".
The father again complied, and to be sure, another cry was heard.
The father excitedly proclaimed: "A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!"
The doctor instructed, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!"
Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard!
The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh Tank Jesus."
The doctor repeated, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!",and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard.
The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.
The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!"
The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?"

Source: Unknown. Forwarded to me by a friend.